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how is your life?
how is mine?
it is very intense, tiring, but i am making transitions. i still need to sleep more, but the fact that i'm aware of that is great. i'm not nearly as all over the place. i feel sturdier. i feel like i wish i could have been sturdier when we first met. i feel like a lot of bad shit happened, we made many mistakes, both of us, but when it came down to it, at the end of the day, i appreciated you.
i liked having your room, your bed, your lips, your company. i miss these things, but i understand that everything i have/had to process was going to prevent me from being the man that i am. it took me far too long to come to terms with the fact that i am a man. but i have now. and everything makes a million percent more sense. i know that i am stronger than where i let myself sink to, but i need to reach some lows to understand what i need, what i want, who i am. bad shit happened, a lot of it, but that doesnt change the intensity of our connection for me. i still carry you around with me. i wish i wasnt so anxious. i wish i didnt expect so much from you. because i wanted you to take care of me in ways that i refused to take care of myself. ive been processing everything all semester, nonstop really, because ive hardly been smoking weed and ive no time for fun, though i try to sneak it in there every now and then. well, i wanted us to work so badly, but i needed to come to terms with myself in order for that to happen, and for some reason, i was so sure you would never accept me as a boy. and now that doesnt matter, i just need you to know this is my truth. (im sure you knew already)

location: back of spanish notebook
age: 20 (april? 2011)
comments: started as a brain storm for the first time we'd talk again in person. i wanted to make sure i knew what i was going to say. im glad i found this before tossing the notebook. its a good marker for where i was a year ago, to a few months ago, to now. i think its fine that i wanted to look at myself as a boy or a man, but now i know that i have so much to process about my life that i cant, dont, and wont have time to go through any more changes until ive dealt with the changes that have already happened. so until then, i am maintaining the fact that i am a kickass woman, stronger than i gave myself credit for, strong enough to fit what society tells us only men should be capable of. i dont care about my gender i dont care about changing into anything but a better person. you opened my eyes to so many things that i still havent even seen them all yet. i cant wait to know what else i can learn from having you, and what else i can learn from losing you. if theres one thing i should have paid attention to, its that i was NOT ready for that. and i still am not ready for anything of the sort, and today i sit perfectly aware of this, and perfectly okay with it. im not looking for anyone except myself. im not pursuing anything except peace. i wont stop trying to love myself until i love me in all the ways i expect someone else to love me. i dont know or care how long it is going to take. nothing changes if nothing changes.