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"how vain it is to sit down to write when you haven’t stood up to live."

i went hard. i should have gone home.

 my mind is more cluttered than my desk.
if you could see my desk, you would understand why i am freaking out. 
i need to make a list of things to do. but i cannot get myself to move.
if anything, i should just go to sleep, and wake up, refreshed and ready to do work, in time to miss all of the sun (i've been in the library for hours anyway) and go straight to rehearsal?  i dont know.  I am having such a hard time thinking straight.
im going to be honest--ive been going too hard.  i have been the kind of champ that makes me both nauseous to think about, and nauseous in real life.  breathing has become optional again today.  my sins cavities, my liver, my lungs...they have all taken a hard beating.
i want a pocket rhyming dictionary and new jeans from h & m. i want to find my large stud and use the insurance i got to get 2 more little ones...ive been losing them in the strangest predicaments.
my mom lost her job.
my hair is growing.
there are a million useless things floating in my head. and i tell her like she cares. 
i hope that maybe she really does.
PaperMoon is still one of the most fantastic places in existence.  their sweet potato fries are on POINT. and their pesto pasta does not taste that bad when you vom it all over the tuttle kitchen.

what do you do when you are so confused that literally everything seems like im watching it through saran wrap and its held over my mouth and when i breath in theres no air no taste just a mouth blocked by the things i am trying to clarify....whats clear to me is i am blind.  setting myself up to get really really hurt this time.
this time? what about the last time?
yeah, what about it.
it happened.  its hard to see her but i barely have. its hard to think about what now seems like the lame excuse of a prayer


um so. i think, given my anxiety, i need to not smoke weed for like, a week. just as a trial run, and see if it helps me.  i smoked this morning for the first time since saturday night (its only tuesday, but still).  my heart was buggin and i couldnt talk right and i just felt like a retard in general.  my confidence completely diminished, to something unrecognizable.  i was so nervous and i didnt want to talk at all, just write.

i think maybe im finally growing into my body.  im still very small, but at least now i feel a bit more proportionate as far as being fat and being short are concerned. 

i have my callbacks for rent in like, 20 minutes.  i should be freaking out nervous but im just so tired from waking up so early and exercising so much. dont get me wrong, though, i love it. i feel great.  meeting with samway about raps for friday after class, then homework time, then rebs rehearsal, then goucher idol auditions.  i practiced all my songs for over an hour yesterday at like 9 when i was on my last run for the day.  i cant believe i had any energy at all, considering i opened the pool and then swam from 9 to 950 then immediately went to class and so on.  this morning's crossfit sessions was pretty good. i wish i had pushed myself more with the shoulder press but theres only so much you can do when youre using dumbells instead of a bar for an exercise that requires simultaneous motion.  i was able to do three reps pretty easily with the bar, but once he told me we had to do 7 sets of 10 alternating between chest and those sumo pull ups, i was like uhhh.  ill stick to fifteens. on the 5th set i moved down to 12.5s for the chest ups but stayed the same for the sumos, those were much easily. 

i really enjoy the program so far, although we've only had 2 days of it.  and it truly does suck that i have to be up so early every. fucking. day. but the exercise has been making me feel great about myself-- i truly love it.  it's just weird because i love to run in the sun and now that ive been up so early to take care of cardio, i dont get to listen to my music or enjoy the outdoors.  i suggested music for thursdays lift sesh, and i wish i had a waterproof ipod for the pool but i honestly dont even know if those exist. i should invent it what the hell am i waiting for...

there are these pictures next to me as a kid with long hair, when i would wear it in a low pony tail or with a winter hat, and it looks so cute. it makes me miss having hair.  but on the flip side, i love having none and i love the way i look with the buzz. 

i continue to go back and forth and back on the gender issue.  i dont even write about it as much as i should but its really been confusing me.  for a while i was all-- fuck yeah, im a dude.
and then i have these resounding moments of-- my lord, i am SUCH a woman.
i am going to continue this exercise and bed before 1am routine to see if it changes anything about how i feel about myself and the way i am living/am going to live my life.

i still love my coffee, though.  its becoming a good friend.  when all else fails, i know ive got my journals and notebooks and i know ive got my pens and i know ive got my sweet n lows and soy milk.
last week's anxiety attacks showed me that i need to remember to know that i have some truly amazing friends.  it's just so hard when i love being alone in my head.


poem from crusty, soggy notecards

i want you to grow a spine
and you want me to soften mine.
you say these walls are too hard for your fists.
maybe in a year or two
you can have me, ill have you too
but for now my useless strands of violence
wont let you in to try this.
i know no wall is too strong for my fists.

i want you to smile more.
you want mine to look like before--
genuine, you say it like Is That Too Much To Ask For?
should we choose sex and abuse?
i dont know, neither do you.
but do i want you? hell yes.
in my head, im still fucking you
miss temptress. 

and i am not on this planet since you left.
you know i never planned this to be so serious.
but now i cant forget your hands
punching me to understand
but without any breakthroughs...furious.

you want me to sort my storm
and i want you to FUCK THE NORM
i always said that honesty's my favorite.
maybe when you're less ashamed
ill end my addiction to the game
but for now keep pushing me away
then asking me to stay
we both know i want to anyway.

you want me to let you care.
i dont want you to want to be there.
i'm hesitant-- a teary glare
shouldnt you tell me to grow a pair?
should we pick hurt and kisses?
we dont know, because we both miss this.
but do i want you? hell no.
in my head you never leave me alone.

and i am not on this planet since you left.
you know i never planned this to be so serious.
but now i cant forget your hands
punching me to understand
but without any breakthroughs...furious.

should we choose sex and abuse?
i dont know, neither do you.
but do i want you? hell yes.
in my head, im still fucking you
miss temptress. 

should we pick hurt and kisses?
we dont know, because we both miss this.
but do i want you? hell no.
in my head you never leave me alone.

and i am not on this planet since you left.
you know i never planned this to be so serious.
but now i cant forget your hands
punching me to understand
but without any breakthroughs...delirious.

but do i still want you? hell...
i dont know.

(possibly make this into a rap song cuz like. i totally cold do that.)
2010 angela buxton


take a break

found two note cards with messy poetry.
they are a song i wrote in november while i was at work.

i mean its pretty emotional, but not nearly as much so as the previous post.
i want to talk about my life to someone who knows me, someone who will understand when i say i may possibly be drowning.  i think i am simply too tired and too busy.  i cannot do it all.

the good news is that i got that solo i wanted.
and i have a call back for roger, but i know whos going to get it and i really dont think that person is me.
strictly because i understand society and show biz and there are things i cannot compete with. like penises. even if that penis cant sing or act/does not have nearly as much swag as i do.
these things are irrelevant when the going gets tough. but im a tough ass motherfucker. so im hoping to take this shit by the balls and do my motherfuckin thing.

samways got me this gig on friday. closing for delicate steve, i guess im getting some mic time. im fucking pumped, but a little nervous, i dont know what i have written thats good enough for me to present on that level, ya know? or what subjects i should be trying to tackle.  i think i wanna start party style and then get more intimate.  but it really depends on what the beats are like. 

id love to just get up there and shit it for a while. he told me he wants written shit because its got to be -profesh- but i dont think he knows how good i can shit it.  like im really getting to be a legit bitch.  im also tired as hell right now.  the thought of the music theory homework i didnt finish is stressing me out, not to mention the one i tried to do today that i apparently did entirely wrong.  but i have no idea how to do it right so how can i even fix it? i really cant sooo. ergh.

i have had very little patience today. i think i need to take a break from being around people.  it would also be nice to stop having auditions every other freakin day.  i have another on tuesday (goucher idol. just doing it for the money and the feature on gig.)  but then there are some extra solos in pizzazz i was thinking about picking up? i guess we'll wait until i find out about this whole RENT business. if i'm getting a role, well thats awesome, but i cant possibly take on more shit for pizzazz. its already annoying the piss out of me. theyre mad anal and im like, i joined this to have fun and i feel like im back at camp wilder (FUCK THAT PLACE).

i think i have an evil spirit following me around.
i must.
last night i shattered my bowl, the one bridge bought me to replace the other one that shattered this time last year. and then i broke my knife, literally within 10 minutes of shattering my bowl. 
and while i was sitting here typing, i got the piss scared out of me because a glass just essentially fell out of the sky aka off the vanity for NO REASON.  it shattered into a million pieces and they scattered in every direction while i was sitting here minding my own whiny writer's business.  the worst part is its sarah's track cup what the fuck am i supposed to say "no literally sarah i think the mouse pushed it off the vanity" or is it more feasible to say "i was listening to vito's ordination song so loud that the bass caused the glass to fall off the shelf and FUCKING SHATTER INTO A MILLION PIECES WHAT THE HELL."  the good news is that devin just came by and gave me my second free piece of pizza of the night :) everyone else is watching the super bowl, but i have a headache, and an unorganized room, and a million things left over from the weekend floating around on my mind.

i was the ultimate retard at some parts.  i woke up saturday with this disgusting feeling of impending doom on my chest.  i mean, i usually wake up with that, but it was way worse than usual on saturday morning.  this was undoubtedly caused by the number of retarded things i did.  i would discuss them in detail but i feel like i shouldnt, only because i see this blog popularity has been on the rise for some fucked up reason, and bitches love to read my shit and then hate all over me for it.  like fuck yall seriously. my life is my life im sorry if that fucking offends you.  but i mean. now i sound like a pretentious piece of shit sooo, my bad.

killer ass headache.  poor sarah's cup.
if you know sarah, you know she tried to decipher the reason behind this happening.  at first she thought it was about track, but then she said, you know, i think this means you just need to take a break.
hah. i mean. shes so right. 

waking up every single day of the week by 6:30 has really been killing me.  i feel like my days are so very busy now because i dont have my night owl hours to be up doing what ever i want to do.  i also feel that i could probably be using my time more wisely now than i have in a while because im not just being exhausted doing nothing and then sleeping in.  waking up early in the am definitely has its quirks.  i feel better about myself.  ive been working out more, fighting through the tired.

those anxiety attacks really killed me last week.  i really gotta be sure im takin it easy.  its just really hard. i miss my sisters so much.

trying to decide on what song to do for goucher idol.  suggestions?  i have a pretty cool list started but i feel like there are definitely some better options. i am absolutely going to do popular songs though.  i just feel like this is such a great opportunity for me to show off my amazing karaoke skills in a serious setting.  i spend so much time singing its almost ridiculous. i am still so fucking happy i got the solo i wanted for rebs. holy shittt. i am so happy. that song really means a lot to me.  to be honest, it reminds me of that road trip.  not as much as nervous tic motion (fuck yeah north platte) but still it definitely does. 

such a bad headache. 

the snow falls.

i am without you.
i am without you now.
i am without you and it hurts me.
and it hurts me and it hurts me and it hurts.

i am sorry to have to leave rehearsal.  i am simply too sad.  to put it bluntly: i have a lot of sad inside me and i cannot deal with it.  well, i am TRYING to deal with it.  but it is hurting me.  and it is making me unable to breathe. and it is making me unable to feel my face and hands.  and it is beating in my chest like a knife would stab if someone was brutally murdered.  and it's like that someone being brutally murdered is me.

writing with a pen is much better than writing with a keyboard.
i have rediscovered this lately.  i have been writing you letters.
i have been writing you letters that you will never read, and i am okay with that.
you don't deserve to know me, because you did know me, and you knew all about my anxiety, and you still left me.  you still abandoned me like everyone else.  and maybe i am too complicated for anyone.  (especially for you, because you are confused by YOU, thus do not need to deal with a Me, even if a Me would love you forever.)

do you remember my panic attacks?
do you remember how i said i was writing you letters you would never read? well, you're reading one now.  and i hope you remember those panic attacks.  because they are back and I am letting all of the sad flood out of my chest in violent bursts and i am thinking about how pure you are, how you would rub my face until you thought you felt my jaw slack, but it would undoubtedly tighten back up anyway.  everything i never told you lingers in my brain. 

anger anger anger

songs im writing now.

evan's playing this one now:

(some lines
you wanna try to refrain
does this design
connect to a piece of your brain?
because sometimes
we need somebody to say
it's perfectly okay
if you're a little insane.)

i already wrote the verses.

working on:

Don't watch your step
look up to see the skies
let pitfalls and lying bitches
catch you by surprise
that's why i got my head up
when i run by
because even if they break my leg
they'll never break my stride.

too sophisticated
pissed and afraid of what will happen
if no one understands me.
no confidence just mistrust
no way am i granting
anyone access to my damn dreams!
my thoughts would blister your brains
like rubbing two sticks in your firsts
that i spit on with Brandy.
i'm outlandish, stranded in my memories
like sandy
was with summernights
i too live in my fantasies
except i'm the boy with the grease
and shes got no panties.
but im merely ranting
just waiting to plant these
literate seeds to grow a haven
for pansies who need
a place to read
and be safe if they fancy
birds over bullets
words over flipping candy.
it's a hustle either way.
i can already see
my garden growing slowly
while i scamper for a plan b.
i think we speed through the day
each pace is unique
and our stance just a peak
into our lives, every sweat bead
and footprint we leave
behind is a result
of who we were and will be.

Don't watch your step
look up to see the skies
let pitfalls and lying bitches
catch you by surprise
that's why i got my head up
when i run by
because even if they break my legs
they'll never break my stride.

Hustle and grind
caught up
in the bustle of life
times get tough
to which the haters are blind
to the way that i
rough em up in my mind
my strongest muscle is inside
my guts, my gusto,
my must let go cuz i dont have time
to hold onto bullshit reprise.
release the rope that used to choke me,
my demise
was hanging on to the truth
when clear lies
kept me skeptic, restless
until sunrise.

(you can knock my hustle
but i wont open up.)

field hockey poetry written on the bus.

on a crumpled, decaying paper, frayed from my nervous, sweaty hands on the bus on the way to my first away game for GCFH:
(it's called a confidence boost. everyone, myself especially, needs one before games when theyre incredibly nervous).

it's not nerves but its everything that works
to get the heart started-- cardiac retarded ready?
bitch i already departed all ammo loaded in the cerebellum
i exploded. motivation imploded and this is what motives made
when the game has been played will i be satisfied? or still agonized
by the regret that i cant pacify this debt i owe?
but opponents will run from my belligerence like they stole.
i'm not half crazy, more like whole baby.
i get the lady if i prove less bogus than i have been lately
to tell the truth i'm amazing because i choose to be
i set my mind and its only one track. i go forward,
explore and never move back, overcome and shun the wack
that i succumbed to in the past. im a BLAST like the BOMB
i attack, hack your arms, yeah i know you dont have the ball
didnt mean to harm you're idea of me or my team
we ca maybe get along after my theme song plays--
the ambulance alarm. haha turn on the charm.

and here's the dark parts feeling desperate but its just my best!
kid you can only expect to improve its what it takes to impress
and perfection is not accepted by gods, even hereos have flaws.
its the lord's weapon, doesnt mean you weren't reckoned by the rest
as reckless, infected by the bug that finds failure unaccepted
its not something i do to feel immaculate. I really cant help but be
accurate and my imperfections made me so depressed. I stress
hoping to be at the level of the rest, and then better.  I'll get there.
Like how i improved with every letter i wrote. I was born a go-getter:
just can't sit still, just can't let up until i've overkilled, til ive got the skill,
til i reach the apex of the colloquial-- "ill".  Escape this run of the mill,
no nine to five, not for me, not forever, i was never that kind.
Restless hands and an antsy mind that thinks in rhyme
and won't waste time.  I got one life to live and so much to give
to a globe so big-- it's corny but i'm more than your average kid
and I will always be.  it's a repetitive message from a repetitive head
but i think of success again Again AGAIN. and with my resolve
i know how it ends.  my minuets are spent so i'm [so the dream of men.]

(cant understand the last 3 words.)

and look at you, surviving without your lighter.
now your feet are in the grass,
life is mightier, strife is all hindsight, girl,
and you were wired to CONQUER THE WORLD.


why cant i breathe.

i talked to my family.
i can write now! i can write i can write!
my heart's twinge has subsided for long enough to open a page and...
i just told my mom im really close to my little sisters because shes so anal. she laughed but its so true. we just had a talk and...michael: i dont hate you. you didnt replace me, but you did erase me from my mom's eye, and now I am just an irresponsible boarder, someone living here and eating her food. but i do not take your rides. i do not ask for money unless i am in the negatives...as in, last week.  i do not have a job here. i am already going back to school to work TWO jobs so i can pay the tuition bill that you do not help me pay anyway.  i need time to adjust to having him here. i need to be treated like an ADULT, and trusted, and i do not need you to question every thing that i do.  i do not need your snide remarks. i do not need you forcing me to like michael. things will work out for the best...the pain that's in my chest is something that i might need you help working out.  your anxiety becomes my anxiety becomes my insomnia becomes my depression.  when i cant stand to be awake when you are, i have to stay up all night and then im whiny and sad all day and i have no alex to watch movies with and no gretchen to talk to on the phone.  i met a sweet girl and she asked me if i was "already emotionally attached, because if so, that's scary".  do you know what it feels like to have a girl you like ask you that??  i wanted to be like "fuck no bitch im just crazy right now" shiiiit.  i got no one, all my friends got boyfriends, all my girlfriends got boyfriends, even sabrina has a boyfriend. 
i sent her an email asking can we start over?
i was out of my element. i was raw. i was unnerved and anxious and over zealous.  I was things I hope to never be again.
I like to cuddle with you, I like to give you that attention that you like, but I am not your boyfriend, and I cannot be, because I should not have done what it is that I did when I was in the state that I was in.  It's not an excuse.  It's a truth.  I was not ready.  I was too raw, too womanly, too lost in my own head doing what I thought I should have been doing.  I probably shouldn't do ecstasy again for awhile.  It's messing with my natural flow of happiness.  I do not think I will feel truly happy again for awhile, and it is setting too high of a standard for me to reach, something that is not reasonable in real actual life.  am i setting myself up for hurt?  yeah. do i do that a lot? yeah.
should i really learn to let go and find the things that are going to give me long lasting happiness as opposed to short bursts of content? yeah.  and for me, that's writing and running and singing.  that's really what i should be doing. 
write run sing. rap lift music.  over and over and over until I am truly honestly content and happy.
and then i can connect with people on a real level. and maybe i dont need to them for the same reasons other people need that but I need them from the bottom of my heart.  I need love.  I need my mother to love me.  I need her to be in an appropriate mental state so that I can be in one too.  and maybe running away fro here worked before, but now she needs to change her shit so that I can actually achieve happiness.  I NEED REAL LIFE HAPPY PLZ. asap. im done pretending. im done keeping my mouth shut.  i need to start being a real adult and that means i need to stop letting others (my mom) under my skin. no one should ever have that much control over me.  and it's too bad that its been allowed to last for as long as it has. 


love, again.

my life is caked and
dry. again. its never the first time for
anything any more.
no response from them
but i've got friends
and her smile's new--
i'm an amateur but, well,
I thought I knew.
she's got this sass this
-bite you right back-
this unafraid of the sea
in the shell that she's in.
and we crouched in the den
and I whispered her name
and told her it was my turn
to hide her. the best part
is the part where she just
laughed and sassed me
right back with a touche!
it is my turn to hide today!
(i've never met anyone
who made life feel less gray.)
there's only so much to say
about domino-- she said shes
too skinny. that's how i know
shes not as shallow as she
thinks she is. and to kiss me
like she did, i mean...shit.
six am with my lips still tingling.
wrinkled red with my mind belligerent
and anxious like i've never seen!
so i laid me down between
the sheets and watched my
mind build flowers for me.
six petaled medals of hope:
her hands her eyes and her tip toes.
she observes mine.
the wart of the index of the left
and she isnt even embarassed
to express it's there! did you catch
a toad! i said no. but truth be told...
summer is not the now i'm in
(hence why we're in. under a flannel
blanket, in comfy pants, she lifts my chin
and for once, i'm not the least bit
i'm awake to hear their alarms go
once again. i told two old best
friends about the girl used to make
the rain go away just so she could
piss on my entire day for two
months straight. chelsea is now
engaged. and leah...well, she's still
the same. we danced our limon night
away after a four hour breakfast
at the three cafe. a blonde drunk
caught me buy surprise and i
felt her tongue but not her eyes.
my teeth are clenched again.
she thought the mouth guard was
a lie. i thought about her on the drive
to every where i came and went.
her smile was in my mind and
it said, "you're allowed to be intelligent".
she made an e.t. joke tonight
at 4 am. we both couldn't sleep.
the connection is obvious.
and she gets done tomorrow
at 4 pm. maybe ill hit the gym.
it's all just been a game of
pass the time and check for texts.
what else does anyone ever do
anyway? I thought I knew.
But then our conversations
blew my mind right from
my head. i especially loved
the part when she said, "i know
i haven't much time to live.
i will die young." but i did not think
"no, not again!" i thought
of all the time we've yet to spend
and the way we love to play pretend:
she is strictly into men.
but i am absolutely not one of them.
and i'm not a player, never have been.
my life had caked and dried and then...
i met someone who might pull me in
to fall in love again.

(i am sorry i kissed the blonde girl in the short, tight dress.
she wasn't ugly, just a ten on the scale of a complete hot mess.
i wish that you had been there, if you're ever reading this.
all i did the whole time i danced was think about your....soul.)

a mix, in case i grow the balls...

Stealing Cars- Kid Harpoon
crystalised- the xx
if it kills me- jason mraz
islands- the xx
Little Bit- Lykke Li
Florence and the Machine (cosmic love? between two lungs? rabbit heart?)
Parachute- Ingrid Michaelson
kids- chiddy bang style
pursuit of happiness- kid cudi
a good n sexy gaga song
you got the dirtee love?

i think i like you- black box revelation.

checking out bat for lashes.
two door cinema club?

"the i want to love you
it could be against the law"
-Nouvelle Vague (dance with me)




also found this:

best party songs of 2010

  • Teenage Dream ~ Katy Perry
  • Black On Black ~ Jim Jones Feat. Sen City And ATM
  • Love Comes Down Remix ~ Dirty Money Feat. Lloyd Banks
  • Bad Romance ~ Lady Gaga
  • TiK ToK~ Ke$ha
  • Baby ~ Justin Bieber feat. Ludacris
  • Carry Out ~ Timbaland
  • All the Right Moves ~ OneRepublic
  • In My Head ~ Jason Derulo
  • California Gurls ~ Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg
  • Alejandro ~ Lady Gaga
  • Hot N' Fun ~ N.E.R.D feat Nelly Furtado
  • Woohoo ~ Christina Aguilera
  • XXXO ~ M.I.A
  • Power ~ Kanye West
  • Can't be Tamed ~ Miley Cyrus
  • Gucci Time ~ Gucci Mane feat. Swizz Beatz
  • Rock Your Body ~ Black Eyed Peas
  • Pushin' Dope ~ Young Buck
  • Rags To Riches ~ Black DaDa feat. Rick Ross
  • Talk To Me ~ Slim
  • Rude Boy ~ Rihanna
  • Sexy Chick ~ David Guetta
  • Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas
  • Vanilla Twilight ~ Owl City
  • I Made It ~ Kevin Rudolf feat. Birdman, Jay Sean & Lil Wayne
  • Break Your Heart ~ TaioCruz feat. Ludacris
  • Whataya Want From Me ~ Adam Lambert
  • Two Is Better Than One ~ Boys Like Girls
  • Neutron Star Collision ~ Muse
  • Tell 'Em ~ Sleigh Bells
  • Touchin on My ~ 3OH!3
  • O.M.G. ~ Usher featuring Will.I.Am
  • Billionaire ~ Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars
  • Your Love is my Drug ~ Ke$ha
  • I Like the Way ~ Bodyrockers
  • All The Lovers ~ Kylie Minogue
  • Club Can't Handle Me ~ Flo Rida
  • Evacuate The Dance Floor ~ Cascada
  • Neighbors Know My Name ~ Trey Songz
  • Trippin At The Disco ~ People Under The Stairs
  • Take it Off ~ Ke$ha
  • Money Kept Coming ~ Hussein Fatal Feat. Killa Black And Slim Da Monsta
  • Mixing up the Medicine ~ Juelz Santana
  • Hit the Highway ~ Big Six feat Yo Gotti
  • She Luv It (Remix) ~ UGK Feat. Slim Thug And Killa Kyleon
naturally, i disagree with some/most, but its good to have next time i have to make a mix for a party because SARAH IS COMING BACK THIS SEMESTER GET SOME!!!